I have to manually control my blood sugar. For those you without this privilege, it's like trying to manually pace your heart rate - so slow, you die, too fast, you die. It's tough work, playing the role of a body part.
The toughest part is that I can't directly change the thing I'm trying to control. All I can do is adjust the influencing factors. Some of which I don't even know exist until something goes wrong. Like last night's vampire cannula that prevented me from getting insulin for 6 hours or so. Didn't know until I woke up and pulled it.
Everything is controlled by these variables and I'm just trying to nudge them into some kind of sense. And this is true for everything.
I've learned that I don't have as much control as I once thought I did. Wanting doesn't make it so, and it wasn't age or power that was holding me back, like I'm sure I thought when I was younger and didn't have much of either. I got older and I still didn't get any power. I just figured out - you have to know what variables are at play and pay attention to those.
Getting older is learning what to pay attention to.
#2
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