Fruits of my labors

When I was 23, I said I had a five year plan to get a dog. I was living in a crazy apartment, leaving all the time to get away. Work was basically the only thing holding me to DC at all, and I didn't want that. I wanted a stable, happy, well-rounded life. And the mythical dog embodied everything that I'd have to have in place to get there.

And then I forgot about the dog plan, and I lived my life. I'd like to think I made good choices and had a future in mind, but really I just focused on day to day life. And magically, the rest of it came into place.

I don't really believe in the whole secret power of positive thought stuff, but something worked here, and I can't claim any part of it.

#3

Variables

I have to manually control my blood sugar. For those you without this privilege, it's like trying to manually pace your heart rate - so slow, you die, too fast, you die. It's tough work, playing the role of a body part.

The toughest part is that I can't directly change the thing I'm trying to control. All I can do is adjust the influencing factors. Some of which I don't even know exist until something goes wrong. Like last night's vampire cannula that prevented me from getting insulin for 6 hours or so. Didn't know until I woke up and pulled it.

Everything is controlled by these variables and I'm just trying to nudge them into some kind of sense. And this is true for everything.

I've learned that I don't have as much control as I once thought I did. Wanting doesn't make it so, and it wasn't age or power that was holding me back, like I'm sure I thought when I was younger and didn't have much of either. I got older and I still didn't get any power.  I just figured out - you have to know what variables are at play and pay attention to those.

Getting older is learning what to pay attention to.

#2

30 for 30 - It's a goal

I turn 30 years old on March 22, 2013.  I should commemorate this in some way.

Welcome to The Lizzie Musar Network's 30 for 30 series - 30 posts in 30 days until I turn 30.  Oh, the symmetry!  Obviously, I'm a little behind, having had this spark of inspiration 25 days before my 30th birthday, so I've got a bit of catch up to do.

Perhaps I'll be a little more aware of the run up to 30 if I'm forcing myself to say something everything.

#1

Why We Disagree

I had the good fortune of attending one McKim Yates' birthday party this weekend, which afforded me the opportunity to drive 2 hours on a weekend, getting some of the best programming NPR has to offer. While I'm a big fan of Car Talk and Wait Wait Don't Tell Me, I'm talking today about On the Media. There's something I love about On the Media, maybe it's the fact that their stories essentially examine themselves - it's like a paradox or standing in front of a mirror with a mirror or just a great opportunity to catch people being self-serving...whatever. I love it, but not enough to listen to the podcasts. No matter as I caught the whole show today!

There was a story examining how Paul Ryan's selection as the GOP vice presidential candidate has again brought Ayn Rand and objectivism in politics into the daily storyline. I am not a Rand scholar. I have tried and failed to read The Fountainhead several times. All the stuff that people point out in The Fountainhead as being really significant and indicative of Rand's philosophy went totally past me - I just didn't care enought to catch them or I suckered into thinking the damn book was about architecture. Whatever the reason, I found now humanist conspiracy in those pages, just a slow ass story.  Enter On the Media to tell me all about it. What got me about the story wasn't the selfish, objectivist origins of Howard Roark, which again, I don't care about. It was a quote from Rand during an interview with Phil Donahue way back when Phil Donahue was the kind of guy people wanted to talk to. When asked about whether she feared death, Rand responded something very similar to "I won't die, the world will end."  Because for Rand and everyone else who says that her writings have taught them what's really important - a relentless faith in one's own self and interests above all others - it does not matter what happens after you die because you will not be there to see it.

HOW IS THIS A LEGITIMATE ARGUMENT FOR GOVERNANCE?  When Paul Ryan says that Ayn Rand taught him all he needs to know to make the choices to govern well, how does this not make people run in the other direction?  He is a saying that he doesn't care about your grandchildren or his grandchildren or anyone not directly impacting his existence, because if he can't see it, it is of no consequence to him. He is in it for himself, as Rand dispassionately taught him and a generation of already-wealthy's to be. It's really easy to espouse self -interest, especially under the banner of a free market, when you have already cornered that market thanks to the work of everyone who came before you.

I can't imagine living in such a short-society. I can't believe that there is a distinct possibility that Rand's vision of self above all - a by-product of her Russian upbringing and a reminder that every action has a an equal and opposite reaction - could be soon codified into US law.

Actually, that's not true, I can believe that. We've seen it before - our unimpeachable founding fathers saw fit to change the rules of COUNTING to serve their interests. Our Supreme Court found that it wasn't in our favor to recognize the innate humanity of what was already considered property. Service of self is found time and again throughout our history, but damn if I hope we haven't been progressing we haven't been evolving beyond the easy answer of "what benefits
me today". 

And I disagree. I feel that I am part of a whole, not the whole of my concern.  Which is why today I celebrated World Humanitarian Day, to recognize and honor the spirit of humanitarian work and the drive that lives within some of us to give of self, rather than serve one's self. Ayn Rand has called such humanitarianism crazy and illogical, Paul Ryan would call it wasteful and unproductive. I call it the long game and the right thing to do. 

President Bartlett kindly reminded us that there is a lot of nuance in goverening, and there are very rarely days with an absolute right and an absolute wrong. When Paul Ryan simplistically reduces every argument to me vs. not me, you have to wonder how long until you're no longer on his side of that argument. And when you're not, what will he take from you?  

Turns out

Insulin pumps may result in better glycemic control. And more flexible basal settings. And happier patients.

After a night cruising the 180s and a 3 am correction shot, I woke up at 216. There is a fair chance the the novolog pen I'm using kicked the bucket a while back, so I've grabbed a vial to take with me to work. I'm really kickin' it old school today. Maybe I'll test my pee instead of my blood sugar later.

Experiment prognosis - not good.

Those whack a do peaks in my trend line are from sleeping on my sensor. The overall crappiness is just from being diabetic, though.

Pump Vacation and Pre-emptive Money Woes

After 3 unexplained (M&Ms don't explain anything really) 250+ highs, I have put on the out-of-office message for my pump.  I'm unhooked.  I'm fancy free.  Kind of - I spent my fancies figuring out how much Levemir to take and putting a Dexcom sensor in because I don't want to go crazy with this little vacation.  I'm not completely device-free, but it feels nice to not have a pager stashed in my boobs.

I had a sample Levemir pen from my doctor as a last-resort for my trips to Nairobi, and I cracked that sucker open with the skill of someone who used to do this several times a day.  I have a sample NovoLog pen, too, which I'll use for meals and corrections.  Since I have just one of each, I figure that I'll get about a week out of this little trip to untetheredness.

While I'm pretty secure that I won't die or anything (hence the Dexcom as backup), what if I like my little vacation?  What if I find myself snacking less and maybe (wishes and hopes and dreams) lose a bit of weight?  What if I love not having my battery-powered panc stuck in my bra day in and day out?

Sadly, I've only got a week of free supplies, and after that, it's up to the good people of UnitedHealthCare to determine how long my vacation lasts.  Taking a break means switching from one Tier 3 insulin at $125/month to two Tier 3 insulins at $125/month and disposable pen needles at $10/box.  I may need a sponsor or prescription fairy to see this one through.

Good news!  Diabetics aren't dying nearly as quickly as they used to!  That's great - if your goal is keeping more people healthy and alive.

But according to my read of this article, a certain CDC researcher thinks it would be cheaper to just treat complications rather than prevent them...

“The good thing is that people with diabetes are living longer,” said one of the authors, Sharon Saydah, a senior research scientist with the C.D.C. “But people with diabetes are at risk for a number of complications — cardiovascular disease, lower leg amputations, kidney disease, eye problems, dementia and other kinds of disability. Preventing all of these complications means that we will have greater health care expenses for people living with diabetes.”

I wonder exactly how much my sight, mobility, and heart are worth to this lady.  I wonder what impact that arbitrary figure will have on my heath care in the future. 

Dead people are cheaper than live people.  They also probably make better company than Sharon Saydah.